Be a Better Friend to Have Better Friendships with Author of “Modern Friendship”, Anna Goldfarb

Seeking the Overlap Podcast Episode 12

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When’s the last time you stopped to think about how you do friendship? Not just who you consider a friend, but the actual mechanics of it—how often you reach out, what you expect from them, what they expect from you, and whether or not those expectations have ever been spoken out loud.

If you’re like most people, the answer is probably…never.

Friendship is one of those things we assume we should just know how to do. It’s not something we’re formally taught. As kids, friendships seem to form naturally—through school, sports, playdates, or sheer proximity. But as we get older, maintaining friendships becomes trickier. Lives get busier. Priorities shift. Friendships fade, and we wonder, Was it something I did? Something I didn’t do? Or was it just inevitable?

In this episode of Seeking the Overlap, I sat down with

Anna Goldfarb

, a journalist, author, and expert on all things friendship, to unpack why adult friendships feel so complicated—and what we can do about it.

The Biggest Myth About Friendship

One of the biggest “aha” moments in our conversation came when Anna said:

"Most people wish their friends reached out more, but rarely ask themselves how often they’re reaching out."

Oof. Right?

We tend to see friendship as something we receive rather than something we do. We want to feel chosen, remembered, prioritized. But how often are we extending that same energy to the people we care about?

The problem is, we’ve been subtly conditioned to believe that true friendship should be effortless. That if someone really cares about us, they’ll magically sense when we need them and show up at just the right moment. That reaching out too much makes us look desperate. That if a friendship requires effort, maybe it’s not meant to last.

Anna calls BS on all of that.

Why Every Friendship Needs an “About”

One of my favorite takeaways from our conversation was the concept of an “about.”

Anna explains that every friendship needs a clear and compelling reason to stay active—something that keeps both people engaged and invested. This could be a shared passion, a regular activity, or even just a standing monthly dinner. Without an “about,” friendships drift. And not because anyone did anything wrong, but because life pulls us in different directions.

Think about the friendships that are strongest in your life right now. What’s your about with those people? And for the friendships that feel a little stale or distant—could it be that the “about” that once connected you no longer applies?

When to Fight for a Friendship (and When to Let Go)

Of course, not every friendship is meant to last forever. And that’s okay.

Anna and I talked about how friendships are fluid—they’re meant to evolve, and sometimes that means letting go. The key is recognizing the difference between a friendship that’s simply going through a lull and one that’s no longer serving either person.

Signs it might be time to move on?

• If maintaining the friendship feels like an obligation rather than a joy.

• If you’re consistently giving way more than you’re receiving.

• If the person makes you feel bad more often than they make you feel good.

Friendship breakups can be just as painful (if not more so) than romantic breakups. But instead of seeing them as failures, we can reframe them as natural endings to a meaningful chapter.

How to Be a Better Friend Without Burning Out

If you’re reading this and thinking, Okay, so how do I actually get better at friendship?, here are three simple shifts that can make a huge difference:

1. Be proactive. Don’t wait for friends to reach out first—send the text, plan the coffee date, tag them in that meme. Small efforts compound over time.

2. Be clear about your expectations. If you need something from a friend—support, more quality time, less flakiness—say it out loud. People aren’t mind readers.

3. Let go of the idea that friendship should be effortless. The best relationships take work, and that’s not a bad thing. It means they’re worth investing in.

Your Friendship Challenge

Here’s my invitation to you:

• Reach out to a friend you haven’t talked to in a while—not just to say “we should catch up” but with a specific reason to connect. (Bonus points if you establish a new “about” together!)

• Pay attention to how often you’re waiting for others to make the first move—and challenge yourself to be the one who initiates.

• If a friendship feels off, ask yourself: Is there an “about” we can revive? Or is it time to lovingly let go?

Friendship isn’t something we should take for granted. It’s something we get to actively create. And when we do, we build relationships that don’t just stand the test of time—they get better with it.

Until next time, happy connecting!

Baily Hancock is a Connection Strategist, Keynote Speaker, and Host of the “Seeking the Overlap” Podcast. She helps ambitious professionals go from overachievers to Overlap-Seekers, finding the people and partnerships that make success sustainable and burnout a thing of the past. Learn more at OverlapCollective.com and connect with her on LinkedIn, Instagram, and Threads.